a message to my ex.

Dear ex-boyfriend,

Let me start off by saying this is not a hate letter, but more of a way for me to tell you exactly what is on my mind.

It's been one year and three days since I left you. But don't let that date fool you into thinking I have not thought of you. Each day I wondered what you were doing, if you still thought about me, and if you even have any remorse of the hurt you've put onto me. I've even prayed for you these past twelve months; for your healing, for your happiness, and for you to find somebody good for you.

We have argued, we have yelled at each other... I have even gotten to the point where I have screamed at you. I'm sorry for my impatience. I'm sorry that I couldn't bring you true happiness. I'm sorry that I wound up sleeping with somebody you were close to after we ended things for good.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, especially during my four years with you. But let me tell you the things I don't regret.

I don't regret loving you.
I don't regret falling in love with you.
I don't regret giving you a second chance. I do, however, regret giving you a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chance.
I don't regret leaving you.
I don't regret not speaking to you for the past year.

You have recently been broken up with by your new ex-girlfriend, who, might I add, I hate. And, honestly, I'm glad she left you because she is no good anyways and I know you can do better. Now, I noticed you have followed me on Twitter and Instagram, and now you're sending me selfies on Snapchat.

I don't know what kind of ploy this is... Some kind of hidden plan to get back into my life again, allow us to talk as "friends" or whatever it may be. But let me make myself clear: it is not going to work; for a number of reasons:

1. I love somebody else now. He is wonderful; mature, fun, hilarious, and quite the gentleman. He makes me feel worthy of being loved, and makes me want to love again. After you, I dated a few guys and none of them worked out. Just as I was giving up, this one came into my life and changed it.
2. Not to be totally evil, but you suck. You're not a nice person. You're judgmental, materialistic, opinionated, and self-centered. Over the past year, I made it a vow to surround myself with positivity. Putting a negative person back into my life just isn't a good idea.  
3. We can't be friends. Ever. It just won't work, so don't try it. You don't just go from being in love with a person to not speaking for a year to being friends. No, we cannot casually get coffee or dinner. No, we cannot be Snapchat BFFs. 

So, ex-boyfriend, lastly, I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me what love should and shouldn't feel like. You've allowed me to see both what I do deserve and what I don't, because you have given me both of those feelings at least once. 

I hope you find happiness and love, because everybody deserves that. But it won't be with me.

Signed,

Your ex-girlfriend

how i've changed

I was thinking the other day of my first conversation of post-breakup. My best friend told me that I need to go hook up with somebody, anybody. I immediately said that I wasn't a casual sex, f*ck buddy type of girl. I only have sex when I really like somebody or when I'm in love... I mean, at the time, I have only had 3 partners my entire life.

Well, it's been 8 months, and my partner count now sits at 7. The first three were guys I was "in love with" and then #4 was the friend of my ex. Which, I thought we'd wind up together... Glad that didn't happen though.

#5 was my Marine. We hooked up after 3 dates and one late-night pick up while he was drunk. Granted, I fell really hard for him really fast. Sex turned a little casual later on, and last night was definitely casual - at least it was supposed to be.

#6 was Jew Boo. I don't think I'd ever date him, but I'd most certainly have sex with him again. Every now and then we even talk about it.

#7 was the hockey player. Which, we went on a date, went to the strip club, fooled around a tiny bit after, and then went our separate ways. After sexting for a bit, we decided to make a move. When he came over, I knew that this was strictly sex. And not to get all TMI up in here, but that sex was insane. He was incredibly rough with me. So rough that we set one of my bedroom pillows on fire, and as ashes were on my back, burning my skin, I didn't even notice it.

Just blows my mind how my partner count has jumped. Do I feel a little slutty? Yeah, I do. But I'm a 22-year-old girl and I don't have sex with every man who crosses my path. If that were the case, my count would be to at least 12 or 13, with a threesome in there. Yes, really.

i'm getting bad

It's been a while since my last post again, so let's catch up to speed on what has happened.

• I slept with the hockey player. We both knew that it was strictly sex, and it was great. Lots of firsts for me that day... TMI but we showered together, and I tried anal for the first time. 
• I started dating Football Guy (still no names ;) ), and we hit things off very well. He even introduced me to his parents and took me to a Wings game. But, weirdly enough, he completely stopped talking to me a week after that. Haven't heard from him since. Was I upset? Sure. That's such a shitty feeling.

But, the Marine is back. 

Yes. It's a tease but I'll take it.

A couple weeks ago (same night of the Wings game), I heard from him. Very casual chat. It's been casual since then, and I may be adopting his dog. It's either I take him or he gives him to a shelter. So since I'm on the house hunt, I've been keeping him in the loop. 

A few days after, I brought up the fact that I went from thinking I would never think I'd talk to him again to now adopting his dog. It's strange. We talked about the new girl that happened... I was honest with him and told him it was hard for me to see that, because I felt he lied to me. In layman's terms, he didn't want to take me to NYE with him because he didn't want to lead me on... He said he did start to like that girl but she didn't want a boyfriend, and he didn't want a girlfriend. So, they broke things off. Makes sense to me. Shitty to hear, but I love honesty.

A couple nights ago, we were casually chatting again and he was telling me how he was spending Friday (Valentine's Day) with his grandma. So, before going to bed, we had this conversation:

Have fun tomorrow with nonna

Thanks, I will. Hit me up if you're out this way

Well I actually have a hair appointment like right around the corner from you at 5 tomorrow

Cool, well give me a shout. I'll be around

And my hopes were obviously were up all day, but of course on guard. Once I got to the salon, I shouted like he said.

Hey

Hey what's up?

Just got to the salon, wbu?

Just at home. About to cook up a storm for dinner

Oh that sounds nice. Whatcha cookin?

A lot of stuff. The crew is coming over for dinner so it'll be a feast

Oh cool! (obviously, I was so heartbroken because that means no more me...)

Yeah should be a good time. I'm starving

I'm jealous!

Why? Aren't you coming over?

My heart stopped. He wanted me to come over. I knew that seeing his friends again would be difficult because he brought that other girl around them, and she was after me... So, this is awkward.

I went over there and he still makes me feel like I did a couple of months ago about him. I wish I didn't, but I do. Immediate butterflies, but I kept my cool.

After he cooked up an amazing meal, me and the other two girls drank a double bottle of wine (I drank most of it.. oops), and him and the boys easily went through a case of beer. The crew left around midnight, and it was finally just me and him. I wasn't going home that night; I drank enough to get away with driving, but why risk it? It's Valentine's Day, after all.

We went to bed and I noticed as he was adjusting his covers, he was getting closer to me. I got the same idea and did the same. Next thing you know, his lips were on mine. And I was not going to fight it. Of course, one thing led to another. Not sure if he plotted this, if he really wanted me, or if it was just the beer in him. Either way, I woke up at 11:30 this morning with my Marine laying next to me.

The shittiest thing though, is that he is leaving for a while. Three weeks from today, he's heading south for Marine's stuff. He's pretty much going to be gone until mid-May or June. A couple of breaks in between, but still. 

It kills me a little inside because last night was such a tease. I knew before I even went over there that he'd be gone for a little while in March, and I knew he didn't want a girlfriend. And before we slept together, I knew that I was going to have to think like a man and be a straight shooter. I'm kicking myself in the butt for getting these feelings for him again, and I'm not going to hold my breath for him to do the same, but he's so special to me.

a letter to me - on my wedding day.

A letter to me - meant to be read again on my wedding day.
Written 1/17/2014

Hi Sam,

Wow. Here we are. Our wedding day. Did you ever think this day would come? Because let me tell you, in case you don't remember. Your 22 year old self didn't! Who knew we'd finally find a flower in all of these weeds?

No, really. Now that I'm not biased about who this guy is, I'm going to tell you what he better be. Because let's be honest with ourselves: We deserve it. And for us, saying that is really hard. We're modest - we give and we give and we never receive. It's just what we're used to - it's how we are.

First off, Sam, he better be nice to you. If there is any moment in time where you feel unwanted or not good enough, he isn't good enough for you. We deserve to feel number one in somebody's life, because I know that if we are willing to spend our life with this man, there is absolutely no doubt that he will come first before everything in ours.

Next, I hope he makes us feel alive. Excited. Adventurous. He better be willing to grow with you and experience life with you, making life something to experience, not just happen.

Also, he better make you laugh. We know better than anybody that we think our laugh is annoying and stupid, but we really like to do it. Whether he tells cheesy jokes, tickles you, quotes movies and songs in mid-conversation, or does one of his "things" that gets you every time - you know you love it. I want that for you so bad.

Next, is he worth making babies with? I mean, not the making part, but the afterwards? Can you count on him to give you ice cream whenever you want and to deal with your constant whining when that time actually comes? Let's be real here, Sam - nobody likes a complainer, but we sure are good at it when it comes to not feeling well. I wonder what pregnancy will be like. Oh my god, I'm 22. I'm going to stop now. Anyways, he better be good.

Marriage isn't something we take lightly, Sam. We know that we come from a line full of divorce. If you're standing there today with this guy, I know he means something to you. I know you know he's the one. If he weren't the total package, I know you wouldn't be there - no matter the circumstances. He really must be special... I hope in my 22-year-old time, I meet him really soon!

Now now... enough about him. What about you? We both know we're a great girlfriend, but will you be a great wife? Can he count on you for meals every night? Will you give him a massage whenever he wants? Will you do his laundry, wear fancy underwear every night, know exactly what to say after he has a bad day at work, and always let him pick the movie you're going to watch on TV?

Of course not. But I know you can promise him this. I know you can promise to make every day he comes home to you a decision he never regrets. That he can count on you to always listen - whether it's about an inside joke you will never really understand or it's about the worst day ever at the office. That he can always be sure that whenever he's not with you, you're thinking of him. That no matter what comes your way, at the end of the day, you love him; he's your husband and you're not going anywhere. Unfortunately for him, he picked one hell of a girl to get married to.

Husband, I love you. And I can't wait to spend my life with you.

Love,
Your 22-year-old wife.

another update.

I'm getting kind of bad at updating this thing, but it's been an interesting time. Let's get an update over with.

• My Marine is dating somebody else. Yeah.
• My ex is moving in with his new girlfriend after dating for like 2 months.
• I am seeing a new guy, a hockey player. 27. Sexy. We went to the strip club on our first date. Yeah, it was a blast. 

The hockey player is great but I feel like half of me is saying this is a bunch of bullshit while the other half is too much of a wishful thinker. It's really hard being pessimistic (well, not really pessimistic, but realistic). Reality is tough.

Moving on from love, let's change tracks and talk about my job. Something positive for a change.

I'm so in love with my job. I never really realized how lucky I am until last night at our huge rebranding party and today, in our "war room" where we launched all internal websites, our new company website, rolled out an employee FAQ, and overall stayed 10 steps ahead of everybody's anticipated questions. We got such high praise...

• This is the smoothest rollout of this size I've ever seen.
• Wow, this party is amazing.
• You guys did such a great job.
• I had so much fun last night.
• Thank you guys for everything.

If a man doesn't appreciate me, I sure as hell felt appreciated through something that truly means something. Just hearing people saying thank you for a great night and for being prepared to make their transition smoother is what I do my job for. To make sure people are taken care of. To make sure everybody else is having a great time and has a night to remember.

Not only that, but my team is to die for. My main go-to boss is such a PR rockstar and has answers for everything. My big boss is the brains behind this entire operation. They are both true role models and idols for me. I can only wish to be as knowledgable, creative, and inspiring to others one day - the way I see them is who I want to be to somebody else someday. I'm so lucky to work with such great people.

resolutions.

It's December 31st, and everybody is telling the internet that making New Year's Resolutions are so cliche and stupid.

But once a new year is about to begin, I always wonder what's going to happen next. Who will get married? Who will get pregnant? Whose lives will change? What's in store for me?

Reflecting on 2013, I never thought I'd be in the situation I'm in now. Last NYE, I was ice skating downtown with the guy who would be my fiancé this year. I never thought that six months later, I'd end it all and change my life. I never thought I'd get a job with a company I love, be on the news, be single, have the time of my life, have the first birthday since I was 18 where I didn't cry, consort to online dating, meet an amazing guy and feel heartbreak all over again, go to a military ball, make a ton of new friends, and ring in 2014 a single girl.

I may complain a lot, and I may be a little pessimistic when it comes to my love life, but the second half of 2013 has taught me so much.

2013 taught me to not worry so much - I'm always been the kind to worry about what other people think and what the outcome will be of my decisions. Stop thinking about it and live in the now every now and then.

2013 taught me to just be myself, because if somebody doesn't like who I am, there just isn't anything I can do about it. Yeah, I laugh too much. I wear a lot of black. I eat a lot of pizza. I really like to work out. And sure - I may send too many Snapchats and tell some bad jobs. I may not look my best without some makeup on. And I know I definitely talk too much. But you know what, if you don't like me, that's fine. Life goes on.

And most importantly, 2013 taught me to do what makes me happy - whether it's breaking somebody's heart or just taking a chance. At the end of the day, it's myself who I need to be worried about. Myself who matters to me. If you're not happy with who you are and what situation you're in, you're the only person who can change it - your boyfriend can't change it, your friends can't change it, and money can't change it. As cliche as it sounds, you have to believe in yourself and trust in God that everything is going to be okay. If you don't like yourself, you are the only one who can change that.

I've never felt happier with myself, my position in life, and my body more than I do right now. I'm sure as hell not perfect, but at least I'm happy.

In 2014, I want to be even happier. I want to smile more and go on more adventures with people I love. I want to keep working hard to feel good about my body and to feel good about my mind. I would really love to fall in love, but we'll see what lies ahead.

Cheers to 2014.

oye.

Update.... Didn't go on a date with Douchebag Doug last week. Turns out he's a dumbfuck. He called me fat. K bye.

But, I did go on a date tonight. And I did have a good time. He's friends with my cousin and he's been wanting to hang out since August. We went to dinner and had coffee afterwards and I really enjoyed my time with him.

But the reason I'm posting tonight is the fact that I feel a wall being put up. Maybe it's a good thing, but it's so unlike me... I'm normally so giddy and excited after a good date or something. But I'm not even remotely like that. Yeah, I want to hang out again and maybe things will turn out good, but I am turning so pessimistic.

All I can think of with guys is that they just don't like me or they don't want me. Some kind of factor is in the way that makes me so not girlfriend material. The way I look? Maybe I laugh too loud? I'm too short? I remind them of their ex, maybe?

I'm just going to get hurt, so why even try? Why even get excited about something that isn't going to happen?

been a while.

It's been a while, but not much has changed.

My marine and I haven't hung out (although we plan to skydive together next year...).
I haven't gone on any dates (although I scheduled one on Sunday...).
Nothing has really changed.

Let's talk about this date. It's pretty sad that I'm not even remotely excited. I'm not even smiling about it. It just feels like a waste to get excited about - which sounds really sad and emotional, but it's the truth. This guy will either turn out to be a big douchebag, mean, a cheater, or no chemistry will happen. It's just how my luck is.

Actually, come to think about it, something did happen. I went to New York and had a wild time.

Friday: Arrived in Brooklyn. Saw my friend Alex, met her roommates and neighbors. One of them, who shall remain nameless, texted her while we were out saying "it's cold and rainy, your friend should come cuddle with me." So, after a few drinks and some enabling, I went upstairs. By the way, I had a 5-minute conversation with this guy before I decided to go upstairs. After a few minutes of awkward chit chatter, he asked if I was ready for bed.

I went into his room with him. I had on black jeans and a long sweater. After being awkward and staring at his bed, I decided to make a move and took off my jeans (YOLO, right?). Right after, something happened. He gripped up my wrists, pushed me up against a wall, and got the party started. It was surprisingly... hot. We went to bed and did a whole lot of not sleeping...

Saturday: I woke up in this guy's bed... Wondering what the hell I just did. I would never just hook up with a person I barely even know, but at least I was in a safe place where somebody who I knew, knew them. (Justifiable). He even woke me up... under the covers. Hot.

I spent the day shopping and getting ready for a night in Manhattan with my friend. A friend of hers was able to get us into a club for free, with free bottle service. Beforehand, Alex and I drank upstairs with the dude I hooked up with, who was actually a really nice, down to earth guy who loves hockey. Oh, and he was Jewish. We'll call him my Jew Boo. Jew Boo found out that I, too, am a hockey fan.

Jew Boo told me I looked really pretty, which made me smile. He was sweet. Not a guy i would typically go for, but sweet and very good in bed. I wore a black dress, black tights, and high heels. My barre workouts were paying off.

While out, I drank top shelf vodka and orange juice - doubles or triples in each drink. On my night out, I had one goal - to make out with a guy with an accent. Sure enough, I found myself getting sloppy with a guy named Manuel from Spain. I even twerked on him... Good god.

By 3 am, I was checked out and ready to go home. I had been texting Jew Boo some pretty obscene things and I spent the night with him again. No regrets.

Sunday: I did pretty much nothing all day except go visit the tree at Rockefeller Center. I spent my last night in New York with Jew Boo. And this may be TMI, but we had the roughest, hottest sex I've ever had in my life. I won't go too far into details, but I will say that after we finished up, we both fell asleep right away. Which usually doesn't happen in my experience.

Regardless... nothing much has changed in life. We'll see where New Year's Eve takes us and what stirs up after this date.

bi-polar.

I may or may not be bi-polar in the heart.

I mean, some days, I'm totally fine. One minute, I'm like "you know what, I'm just fine being single. I'm going to focus on myself, and I know somebody is going to come along and sweep me off my feet." The next minute, I feel so alone and sad; where all I ask for is somebody to love me... It's a sad mindset when that comes along, because all I can think about is how happy I was for the month that I was with my Marine. How I was so close to happiness again. Especially because after being with him for a few hours on Saturday, I am only reassured that I really do like him. 

random thoughts

1. I wish LinkedIn had a dating section.
2. I wish I could just walk through Quicken Loans in Detroit, look around, and hand out 10 roses like I'm the bachelorette. Those guys dress to the nines and have career.

I guess that's it.

december.

I'm back, after quite an interesting few days. Where should I begin?

Let's start with my marine. After three weeks of small talks and no face-to-face contact, we spent the day together yesterday at the U of M football game. I won some awesome tickets and asked him to go with me - who else would I bring? It would have been weird to bring one of my girl friends, and if I asked a guy friend to go with me, they may take it the wrong way. Plus, he is a huge Michigan football fan, and this was my chance. Although we didn't even get flirty or hug goodbye, he is great company and I seriously just love spending time with him. I feel so at home with him and that I can just be myself. Yesterday after the game, we went and got some food and just indulged in conversation about all sorts of things. I wonder if he can see me glow when I'm with him...

It's funny, because I want to feel wanted and loved by somebody so badly, but refuse to date anybody that doesn't match up to him or exceed him. As dumb as it seems, I would much rather be single and focus on myself and wait for him than try to get into something else with somebody new.

Moving on, time to vent.

Last weekend, I went downtown for a birthday party and of course I ran into my ex's new girlfriend. Which, okay, I don't care that he is dating somebody else. I am not even remotely jealous. And I hate to call people out on looks because I'm not that shallow of a person, but I am most certainly not jealous of anything she's got either... Anyways, we did make eye contact and it was a little awkward for a second, but whatever. Well, later on in the night, she decided to yell "fuck you" in my ear as I was walking past her.

I feel bad for my ex. I really do. First off, I was an amazing girlfriend - I won't even dare sell myself short of that. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, offered to do everything for him, paid for dinners, worked THREE JOBS so I could buy him everything he ever wanted, ... I really could go on and on about how selfless I was in that relationship - all to get nothing in return. But not only did I give him everything the world had to offer and more, but I had my shit together. I worked my ass off in college to get a good job, I treated his family and friends with respect and got along with every single person that I crossed paths with, and I'm an overall classy girl. For him to go from a girl like me to a girl like that, who yells "F You" to somebody she doesn't even know in a bar and throws all of her business - good and bad - on Twitter... I feel bad for him. 

myself.

It's about how I feel. About how I want to see myself in the mirror. And hopefully along the way, somebody will see my determination.

As I was hanging out with guy #2, I realized I didn't have any hobbies. My life literally consisted of this schedule: work, gym, eat, sleep, repeat Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday: lay around and hopefully go to the bar. I had no real interests any more.

Until I discovered Barre Bee Fit.

It's designed just for women - to give them a dancer's body without the dance. It's meant to elongate women's muscles and tone them in a womanly way - not to buff them up like men. It's about core strength and shaping and toning your glutes, thighs, arms, back, and abs. After one class, I was hooked; even though I'm sore today and it was a really intense workout for me.

I'm embarking on their "Hot for Holiday" challenge, where from Dec. 1 through 20, you are challenged to go to 15 out of 20 days. You can win cool prizes and stuff (which, I'm not even sure what they are). I'm not trying to lose weight or turn into a crazy workout person, but I want the challenge. I want to see if I can push myself to my limits and complete something like this.

Most people I know train for 5Ks or stop eating junk food or something. I think this is just what I need at this time in my life. A change, and to actually put the focus on myself for once. Not worry about what some guy thinks about me, or if he is even thinking about me at all. This is for me.

Which, I'm proud of myself for that. For once, I don't care about some dude. Well, I do, but I'm not so "well, onto the next one" about it. The other day, I got asked on two dates by two different guys. One asked me to go to coffee. Which, I would never turn down coffee, but when I mentioned I didn't want it to be a date, he all of a sudden didn't want to go any more (when I didn't even lead him on at all). Another guy told me we should go to a Red Wings game together (via Snapchat... one of my Tinders). After I ignored it, he snapped again and said "Like, me + you = Red Wings." .. And I turned him down. This is a big deal.

As for guy #2, we haven't talked much. Fingers crossed that we'll be hanging out again soon, but if he wants it to die, I have no choice but to let it die. It's a sad situation, because he truly is a great guy. But I have to be optimistic. And now may not be my time to fall in love with a guy - maybe now is my time to fall in love with myself.

I like the sounds of that. 

thoughts. second edition.

Girls really enjoy torturing themselves with love.

Do you know how much easier breakups must have been 20 or 30 years ago? They give you the call, things are done, and that's the end of it.

Now, you break up. You check their Twitter feed. You check their Instagram. You check their Facebook. You see they're hanging out with another girl. You stalk her too. Now you're constantly checking up on both of them because that used to be you.

And even though that used to be me, I still manage to be a bitch about it. "Oh, he bought her flowers? He got them from 1800Flowers.com and ordered them an hour ago from the same-day-delivery tab because he forgot something important was happening today and wanted to make it seem like he knew all along."

It's so stupid. I am a person 1000x better ever since we broke up and I don't miss him being around. But seeing him googly-eyed over another girl bothers me. And you know what, it bothers him too. Because I know he sees me with a new guy too. 

goals.

Instead of sapping about my life today, I'm going to do something that makes me feel good. Things I want to accomplish. For me - nobody else.

2014
go skydiving
go on vacation
win an award at work
get a raise - this means WORK YOUR ASS OFF
see justin timberlake, closer than 37 rows away
find a perfect apartment, and move out

eventually
write a book
buy mike bankey a bear/elk/moose hunt
teach high schoolers marketing/PR (fuck, that means an MBA)
get an MBA

I realize the only way to make my goals attainable is to focus on them myself, and to make them a priority. Nobody except for me is going to make these things happen. It's setting priorities, budgeting properly, and working your ass off (with maybe a tiny bit of luck).

Even with an amazing man by my side, these things aren't going to come out of thin air. Well, okay, maybe we could decide to go on vacation or skydive, and maybe he'd be perfect and buy me VIP tickets to see JT. Is he going to help me get a raise or win Rookie of the Year at work? Is he going to help me write a book? No, girlfriend, that's all me.

I am a newly single girl - which means even though I have nobody by my side, it also means I have nobody taking me off track or holding me back. Although I am the kind of person who likes to have a journey with somebody, I should embrace the fact that I am an independent, smart, capable woman.

"You are an independent, smart, capable woman." 

camouflage.

This guy has seriously changed every perspective of the military for me. The ball was an eye-opening experience, especially when a WWII vet spoke to all of us about his experience.

This guy (haha, notice how nobody is named?) isn't one of those Marines who is a chef or does sonar or whatever. He's on a division shooting team - he's won medals for how well he handles and shoots rifles. He used to handle mortars (aka bombs). There are photos of him with guns bigger than me. He's a bad ass. And Marines are always the first ones shipped off to war.

As my feelings have gotten deeper and deeper for him, I took the time to face reality. "You do realize that he can get a call any time and be shipped off to some country for a year, right? You do realize that he may reenlist in a year, and if God graces you with true love, your entire life will revolve around the military?" My mom lived on base for a while with her ex-husband; my older brother was born on a base. They were all over the place. Is that a life I'm willing to have? To leave everything I've ever known to become a military wife?

Then, the really tough reality sets in. What if (God, please forbid this from ever EVER happening) something happened to him? There was a mortar accident in the desert in Nevada the other day - where he used to be; what he used to do. 4 people died. Roadside bombs happen all the time in the Middle East. People are shot and killed every day in the military. It brings tears to my eyes to think of anything ever happening to him...

Then real reality sets in; this happens every day. He is not the only Marine to worry about. He is not the only military member to worry about. There are women who go weeks without speaking to their husbands - unsure if he is even alive. Then, one day they get a phone call with them on the other line. Others get a different phone call.

Then, another really real reality came to me; I asked him about reenlisting when his time is up. He wasn't sure, and told me he still had a year to decide. "It's a love/hate thing. They put you through a lot of bullshit, but I love it. I just wish I would get deployed." It was a shock to hear, because that's everybody's worst fear - to be sent off to war, putting your life on the line. So, I asked him why he wanted that; it's terrifying. To which he replied, "I didn't join the Marines to wear some uniform, or put a sticker on my car that said I was a Marine, which a lot of people do. I joined because I wanted to be what it was all about. If you're going to join, you might as well get deployed."

Then it really sunk in. It scares me, but my love for people with a passion shadows my fear. Especially a guy like this. Selfless. Fearless. It's almost a little magical. 

hurt.

"as good as you make me feel, i want to make you feel better. you're all i ever wanted..."

That's the song we danced to on Saturday, where I felt him pull me just a little closer and hold my hand a little tighter. After this song, we left the ball, I sat on his lap on the ride home where we laughed, acted silly, and I felt his head keep falling into my chest. I felt it too; I felt the taken chance.

Until the ball was dropped.

I'm so used to being screwed over by guys who just don't give a shit. Who are just assholes. I lose a guy who was only concerned about one thing or who realized they had something else that was better than I was. And they would leave without a trace, leaving my hurt and broken.

It's a love/hate thing, but it didn't happen this way this time.

I had to bring up the question; who were we? What were we? What's next? That's when I got the truth, which is honest, sincere, and real.

"I'm not ready for a girlfriend or a relationship."

Exes suck, because they fuck up the most wonderful people. Mine fucked me up (all of mine did) and his fucked him up, too. A beautiful person turned a monster - maybe not in my eyes, and as for me, maybe not in his. But we both know the demons that lay inside of us, and only we know how to conquer them. For me, I know to conquer mine, I need to let more love in and prove them wrong. For him, he needs to know for sure he can trust himself to be his best for somebody else.

I couldn't believe it... I am so used to being blamed or felt like I did something wrong. So I asked him to tell me. What did I do? What do I need to do?

"Sam, you did everything right. The only thing that you did wrong was come into my life at the wrong time."

When somebody tells you that, how can you be angry? How can you be mad at them, or yourself? Hell, how can you even cry? I tried forcing myself to do that after I hung up the phone, and I couldn't. Not going to lie, I did in the shower the following morning.

"It's not about the guy. It's about you."

No, it is about the guy this time. A guy like that doesn't come around all the time. You don't just bump into a man like that in your local grocery store or at the bar on the weekend. No, he has the qualities women dream of. Attractive, a business man, passionate, exciting... A man that makes you feel comfortable, like you can be yourself. I even mentioned that to him.

"I watched you open up right in front of my eyes. From the moment we first hung out, I could see the hurt in your eyes. And since then, you've changed and opened up to me and I could see that in you."

His problem is that his demons and his feelings conflict with each other.

"When I'm with you, I'm fine and I'm happy. As soon as you leave me or I leave you, I hear a voice in the back of my head saying 'dude, you're not ready for this. what are you doing?'"

As far as "the chance" goes, it was amazing what he said.

"I stopped talking to you and felt like I owed you an explanation. Then we hung out at State and you told me 'if you never take a chance, you'll never know.' So, I did. I told myself to stop being a pussy and to take a chance. I don't want to hang out with other girls. I didn't want to take anybody else to the ball. So, I obviously wanted to take you; we have fun together, we get along great. But, when I was with my ex, I turned into a monster. I was a terrible person, and I don't want to turn into that person again. I'm just not ready for a relationship.

People will ask me, 'You dating that girl yet?'
'No.'
'Why? What's wrong with her? What did she do?'
'Nothing..'
'What do you mean nothing?'
'Nothing, she did everything right.'
'Well what's the problem?'
-story told-
'You're a fucking idiot.'"

We still chit chat. We even plan on hanging out on Sunday. He said he doesn't want to lose me, and I don't want to lose him either. Call me a 14-year-old girl, but he is too amazing to drop out of my life. To me, he is perfect in his own way. He's no Ken doll; he's sarcastic, he snores, he only gives me one kiss goodbye when I leave, and he occasionally hogs the bed or blanket and only gives me one pillow to sleep with. But he's so much more than an attractive guy who has his shit together. He's passionate - works 14 hour days at his job, wants to be deployed in the Marines, and aspires to work with veterans someday. He's exciting - I mean, for God's sake, he went to school to be a firefighter and he skydives in the summertime. And the best part of all, he's honest. I couldn't tell you the last time I've encountered a guy who has been honest with me the way he has. And even though we've only been seeing each other for a month, he has changed my life a little bit.

He's taught me to not care... To be an open book, a straight shooter. He told me something the first day we met and went on our first date. "I am an open book. I have nothing to lose, so what you see is what you get. If you don't like it, you can kick rocks." Which, even though my nerves would get the best of me, I felt the same. I have nothing to lose... I might as well be 100% honest and put myself out there. For a girl like me, that's life changing. Especially with the military, which I am about to go write a separate post on right now.

So, all in all, this sucks. Every night so far, I've prayed that when the time is right for him, he will come back to me. Or, at least, I hope God sends me somebody like him. Again, I sound like a teenager in love... But maybe that's because I am. I don't know.

it's funny.

I am normally a pretty calm and collected person. I can have conversations with just about anybody and I hate a dull moment.

Why is it that when I'm around him or even sending a text message to him, I am so nervous? I'm tongue tied. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I could vomit - and that's not even an exaggeration. It's so weird how somebody can have that kind of effect on me.

Somebody asked me today about him and what "we" are... Which is still unclear. If he meets my best friend this weekend, I'll say we're talking. Regardless, this person asked where he came from and how I feel about him.

Which is now where I will spill my feelings, because I need to get in touch with myself.

I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm not saying that I don't want to be, though. When I was with my ex, I got stuck in a rut of doing things the way he wanted to, which meant no spontaneity, no getting drunk and acting silly, no excitement... I was so used to never doing anything with my significant other that I never really thought anything of it. What I forgot during that time though, was that I like having fun; I like being silly, I like exploring new things, I like being spontaneous, and sometimes, I like doing things and not caring about what other people think.

And with him, I feel like myself again. I feel like I can laugh and open up. I feel like I can dance and sing and drink a warm beer in a hotel room (drunk) without worrying what anybody thinks.

It's funny how one person can make you feel sick to your stomach from too many nerves, as well as something deep enough to say "I feel like myself again." 

chance taken.

A chance was taken.

The day after telling him that "if you never take a chance, you'll never know," there I was. He came over for dinner, we hung out, and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked to his Marine Corps Birthday Ball as his date. Which drew me to the following conclusion:

If you asked to meet me a few times at MSU (where the house you're at is crawling with slutty girls wearing nearly nothing in 40 degree weather), you come over after work on a Monday to eat chicken noodle soup with me and my parents, and you ask me to go to your military ball where you are receiving a promotion, you must kind of like me. Right?

Of course, I said yes. And after a stressful run around with dresses, what shoes to wear, etc., I attended my first ever Marine Corps Birthday Ball. It was amazing, and not only did I show up with the best looking Marine in the room, but I felt so proud to be there. We had a wonderful evening of drinking, dancing, and just having a blast with his fellow Marines.

Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed - hoping that this keeps going in the right direction.

interesting.

Well. I got my call back.

Which, don't get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for somebody who can be honest with me.

He called and said he owed me an explanation and I sat there dying of anticipation, waiting to hear something like, "well, you're great but there is somebody else" or "my friends don't like you" or something where i can finally put the piece into the puzzle and move on.

But instead, it wasn't that. It was a fear of commitment; a fear of getting hurt. Which, from his past, I can absolutely respect and understand. After many "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole for that" and a clean slate, he told me that he had been working a lot and how he thought he couldn't go to MSU for the weekend. After telling him I was going to be there, he suddenly perked up and said "well, if I do wind up going, maybe we can bump into each other."

Which is definitely what happened.

After never receiving a SnapChat from him before, Saturday morning I was surprised to see not his view from the office, but drinking on a lawn in East Lansing. So, I asked him about that, and turns out he was two blocks away from where I was staying. Which turned into a "Yeah, you're really close. Come over." So, I said I would. Three hours later, after lots of tailgating, drinking, and walking around, I got a call from him asking where I was and what I was doing. So I finally decided to go over there. Where he greeted me with a beer, ready to watch some football.

Now, after drinking a total of about 9 beers (maybe 10) from 10 am to about 4:30 pm, I was tired, drunk, and ready to barf. Luckily for me, I was on a couch, with my guy, sleepy and cuddly. After laying on his chest, I asked if he was okay with that (thank goodness for liquid courage). He said yes.

After leaving his place for a while, me and a friend went back and hung out with him and his friend for a while. Things got kind of crazy at the party, so we left.

So this afternoon, I decided to send him a text.

"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"I just really don't know what to do here, so I want you to tell me what I should do. In the situation me and you are in."
"I don't know what to say."
"I really do respect what you told me the other day. But I like you, and I think you like me too..."
"I do. That's where it falls into trouble. I'm not sure what to do either."

Now, here I am today... Confused, not sure where I stand in this guy's life. If I like you, and you like me, why shouldn't we be together? Why can't we both get past the past and focus on the present? Why can't we both take a leap of faith and see where this goes?

Take a chance - you never know what may come of it.

thoughts. first edition.

It's normal to have thoughts about your terrible ex post-breakup.

It's not supposed to be easy - trust me, I am very well aware of that. But sometimes, I feel like everything would be so much easier to suck it up and settle for what I had. Which is so messed up. Settle? One should never have to "settle." One should feel lucky, blessed, and grateful that the person they wind up with chose them over anybody else. And the other person should feel the exact same about you.

Now, I would never say anything mean about my ex, but I will tell you the truth if you asked me.

And the truth is, which he did admit to me, was that he was a bad boyfriend and he didn't treat me right.

But girls are so f&#@ed up in the head that we can't help but hold on to the guys that have treated us bad. Even if it is just a small piece of them.