a message to my ex.

Dear ex-boyfriend,

Let me start off by saying this is not a hate letter, but more of a way for me to tell you exactly what is on my mind.

It's been one year and three days since I left you. But don't let that date fool you into thinking I have not thought of you. Each day I wondered what you were doing, if you still thought about me, and if you even have any remorse of the hurt you've put onto me. I've even prayed for you these past twelve months; for your healing, for your happiness, and for you to find somebody good for you.

We have argued, we have yelled at each other... I have even gotten to the point where I have screamed at you. I'm sorry for my impatience. I'm sorry that I couldn't bring you true happiness. I'm sorry that I wound up sleeping with somebody you were close to after we ended things for good.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, especially during my four years with you. But let me tell you the things I don't regret.

I don't regret loving you.
I don't regret falling in love with you.
I don't regret giving you a second chance. I do, however, regret giving you a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chance.
I don't regret leaving you.
I don't regret not speaking to you for the past year.

You have recently been broken up with by your new ex-girlfriend, who, might I add, I hate. And, honestly, I'm glad she left you because she is no good anyways and I know you can do better. Now, I noticed you have followed me on Twitter and Instagram, and now you're sending me selfies on Snapchat.

I don't know what kind of ploy this is... Some kind of hidden plan to get back into my life again, allow us to talk as "friends" or whatever it may be. But let me make myself clear: it is not going to work; for a number of reasons:

1. I love somebody else now. He is wonderful; mature, fun, hilarious, and quite the gentleman. He makes me feel worthy of being loved, and makes me want to love again. After you, I dated a few guys and none of them worked out. Just as I was giving up, this one came into my life and changed it.
2. Not to be totally evil, but you suck. You're not a nice person. You're judgmental, materialistic, opinionated, and self-centered. Over the past year, I made it a vow to surround myself with positivity. Putting a negative person back into my life just isn't a good idea.  
3. We can't be friends. Ever. It just won't work, so don't try it. You don't just go from being in love with a person to not speaking for a year to being friends. No, we cannot casually get coffee or dinner. No, we cannot be Snapchat BFFs. 

So, ex-boyfriend, lastly, I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me what love should and shouldn't feel like. You've allowed me to see both what I do deserve and what I don't, because you have given me both of those feelings at least once. 

I hope you find happiness and love, because everybody deserves that. But it won't be with me.

Signed,

Your ex-girlfriend

how i've changed

I was thinking the other day of my first conversation of post-breakup. My best friend told me that I need to go hook up with somebody, anybody. I immediately said that I wasn't a casual sex, f*ck buddy type of girl. I only have sex when I really like somebody or when I'm in love... I mean, at the time, I have only had 3 partners my entire life.

Well, it's been 8 months, and my partner count now sits at 7. The first three were guys I was "in love with" and then #4 was the friend of my ex. Which, I thought we'd wind up together... Glad that didn't happen though.

#5 was my Marine. We hooked up after 3 dates and one late-night pick up while he was drunk. Granted, I fell really hard for him really fast. Sex turned a little casual later on, and last night was definitely casual - at least it was supposed to be.

#6 was Jew Boo. I don't think I'd ever date him, but I'd most certainly have sex with him again. Every now and then we even talk about it.

#7 was the hockey player. Which, we went on a date, went to the strip club, fooled around a tiny bit after, and then went our separate ways. After sexting for a bit, we decided to make a move. When he came over, I knew that this was strictly sex. And not to get all TMI up in here, but that sex was insane. He was incredibly rough with me. So rough that we set one of my bedroom pillows on fire, and as ashes were on my back, burning my skin, I didn't even notice it.

Just blows my mind how my partner count has jumped. Do I feel a little slutty? Yeah, I do. But I'm a 22-year-old girl and I don't have sex with every man who crosses my path. If that were the case, my count would be to at least 12 or 13, with a threesome in there. Yes, really.

i'm getting bad

It's been a while since my last post again, so let's catch up to speed on what has happened.

• I slept with the hockey player. We both knew that it was strictly sex, and it was great. Lots of firsts for me that day... TMI but we showered together, and I tried anal for the first time. 
• I started dating Football Guy (still no names ;) ), and we hit things off very well. He even introduced me to his parents and took me to a Wings game. But, weirdly enough, he completely stopped talking to me a week after that. Haven't heard from him since. Was I upset? Sure. That's such a shitty feeling.

But, the Marine is back. 

Yes. It's a tease but I'll take it.

A couple weeks ago (same night of the Wings game), I heard from him. Very casual chat. It's been casual since then, and I may be adopting his dog. It's either I take him or he gives him to a shelter. So since I'm on the house hunt, I've been keeping him in the loop. 

A few days after, I brought up the fact that I went from thinking I would never think I'd talk to him again to now adopting his dog. It's strange. We talked about the new girl that happened... I was honest with him and told him it was hard for me to see that, because I felt he lied to me. In layman's terms, he didn't want to take me to NYE with him because he didn't want to lead me on... He said he did start to like that girl but she didn't want a boyfriend, and he didn't want a girlfriend. So, they broke things off. Makes sense to me. Shitty to hear, but I love honesty.

A couple nights ago, we were casually chatting again and he was telling me how he was spending Friday (Valentine's Day) with his grandma. So, before going to bed, we had this conversation:

Have fun tomorrow with nonna

Thanks, I will. Hit me up if you're out this way

Well I actually have a hair appointment like right around the corner from you at 5 tomorrow

Cool, well give me a shout. I'll be around

And my hopes were obviously were up all day, but of course on guard. Once I got to the salon, I shouted like he said.

Hey

Hey what's up?

Just got to the salon, wbu?

Just at home. About to cook up a storm for dinner

Oh that sounds nice. Whatcha cookin?

A lot of stuff. The crew is coming over for dinner so it'll be a feast

Oh cool! (obviously, I was so heartbroken because that means no more me...)

Yeah should be a good time. I'm starving

I'm jealous!

Why? Aren't you coming over?

My heart stopped. He wanted me to come over. I knew that seeing his friends again would be difficult because he brought that other girl around them, and she was after me... So, this is awkward.

I went over there and he still makes me feel like I did a couple of months ago about him. I wish I didn't, but I do. Immediate butterflies, but I kept my cool.

After he cooked up an amazing meal, me and the other two girls drank a double bottle of wine (I drank most of it.. oops), and him and the boys easily went through a case of beer. The crew left around midnight, and it was finally just me and him. I wasn't going home that night; I drank enough to get away with driving, but why risk it? It's Valentine's Day, after all.

We went to bed and I noticed as he was adjusting his covers, he was getting closer to me. I got the same idea and did the same. Next thing you know, his lips were on mine. And I was not going to fight it. Of course, one thing led to another. Not sure if he plotted this, if he really wanted me, or if it was just the beer in him. Either way, I woke up at 11:30 this morning with my Marine laying next to me.

The shittiest thing though, is that he is leaving for a while. Three weeks from today, he's heading south for Marine's stuff. He's pretty much going to be gone until mid-May or June. A couple of breaks in between, but still. 

It kills me a little inside because last night was such a tease. I knew before I even went over there that he'd be gone for a little while in March, and I knew he didn't want a girlfriend. And before we slept together, I knew that I was going to have to think like a man and be a straight shooter. I'm kicking myself in the butt for getting these feelings for him again, and I'm not going to hold my breath for him to do the same, but he's so special to me.

a letter to me - on my wedding day.

A letter to me - meant to be read again on my wedding day.
Written 1/17/2014

Hi Sam,

Wow. Here we are. Our wedding day. Did you ever think this day would come? Because let me tell you, in case you don't remember. Your 22 year old self didn't! Who knew we'd finally find a flower in all of these weeds?

No, really. Now that I'm not biased about who this guy is, I'm going to tell you what he better be. Because let's be honest with ourselves: We deserve it. And for us, saying that is really hard. We're modest - we give and we give and we never receive. It's just what we're used to - it's how we are.

First off, Sam, he better be nice to you. If there is any moment in time where you feel unwanted or not good enough, he isn't good enough for you. We deserve to feel number one in somebody's life, because I know that if we are willing to spend our life with this man, there is absolutely no doubt that he will come first before everything in ours.

Next, I hope he makes us feel alive. Excited. Adventurous. He better be willing to grow with you and experience life with you, making life something to experience, not just happen.

Also, he better make you laugh. We know better than anybody that we think our laugh is annoying and stupid, but we really like to do it. Whether he tells cheesy jokes, tickles you, quotes movies and songs in mid-conversation, or does one of his "things" that gets you every time - you know you love it. I want that for you so bad.

Next, is he worth making babies with? I mean, not the making part, but the afterwards? Can you count on him to give you ice cream whenever you want and to deal with your constant whining when that time actually comes? Let's be real here, Sam - nobody likes a complainer, but we sure are good at it when it comes to not feeling well. I wonder what pregnancy will be like. Oh my god, I'm 22. I'm going to stop now. Anyways, he better be good.

Marriage isn't something we take lightly, Sam. We know that we come from a line full of divorce. If you're standing there today with this guy, I know he means something to you. I know you know he's the one. If he weren't the total package, I know you wouldn't be there - no matter the circumstances. He really must be special... I hope in my 22-year-old time, I meet him really soon!

Now now... enough about him. What about you? We both know we're a great girlfriend, but will you be a great wife? Can he count on you for meals every night? Will you give him a massage whenever he wants? Will you do his laundry, wear fancy underwear every night, know exactly what to say after he has a bad day at work, and always let him pick the movie you're going to watch on TV?

Of course not. But I know you can promise him this. I know you can promise to make every day he comes home to you a decision he never regrets. That he can count on you to always listen - whether it's about an inside joke you will never really understand or it's about the worst day ever at the office. That he can always be sure that whenever he's not with you, you're thinking of him. That no matter what comes your way, at the end of the day, you love him; he's your husband and you're not going anywhere. Unfortunately for him, he picked one hell of a girl to get married to.

Husband, I love you. And I can't wait to spend my life with you.

Love,
Your 22-year-old wife.

another update.

I'm getting kind of bad at updating this thing, but it's been an interesting time. Let's get an update over with.

• My Marine is dating somebody else. Yeah.
• My ex is moving in with his new girlfriend after dating for like 2 months.
• I am seeing a new guy, a hockey player. 27. Sexy. We went to the strip club on our first date. Yeah, it was a blast. 

The hockey player is great but I feel like half of me is saying this is a bunch of bullshit while the other half is too much of a wishful thinker. It's really hard being pessimistic (well, not really pessimistic, but realistic). Reality is tough.

Moving on from love, let's change tracks and talk about my job. Something positive for a change.

I'm so in love with my job. I never really realized how lucky I am until last night at our huge rebranding party and today, in our "war room" where we launched all internal websites, our new company website, rolled out an employee FAQ, and overall stayed 10 steps ahead of everybody's anticipated questions. We got such high praise...

• This is the smoothest rollout of this size I've ever seen.
• Wow, this party is amazing.
• You guys did such a great job.
• I had so much fun last night.
• Thank you guys for everything.

If a man doesn't appreciate me, I sure as hell felt appreciated through something that truly means something. Just hearing people saying thank you for a great night and for being prepared to make their transition smoother is what I do my job for. To make sure people are taken care of. To make sure everybody else is having a great time and has a night to remember.

Not only that, but my team is to die for. My main go-to boss is such a PR rockstar and has answers for everything. My big boss is the brains behind this entire operation. They are both true role models and idols for me. I can only wish to be as knowledgable, creative, and inspiring to others one day - the way I see them is who I want to be to somebody else someday. I'm so lucky to work with such great people.