resolutions.

It's December 31st, and everybody is telling the internet that making New Year's Resolutions are so cliche and stupid.

But once a new year is about to begin, I always wonder what's going to happen next. Who will get married? Who will get pregnant? Whose lives will change? What's in store for me?

Reflecting on 2013, I never thought I'd be in the situation I'm in now. Last NYE, I was ice skating downtown with the guy who would be my fiancé this year. I never thought that six months later, I'd end it all and change my life. I never thought I'd get a job with a company I love, be on the news, be single, have the time of my life, have the first birthday since I was 18 where I didn't cry, consort to online dating, meet an amazing guy and feel heartbreak all over again, go to a military ball, make a ton of new friends, and ring in 2014 a single girl.

I may complain a lot, and I may be a little pessimistic when it comes to my love life, but the second half of 2013 has taught me so much.

2013 taught me to not worry so much - I'm always been the kind to worry about what other people think and what the outcome will be of my decisions. Stop thinking about it and live in the now every now and then.

2013 taught me to just be myself, because if somebody doesn't like who I am, there just isn't anything I can do about it. Yeah, I laugh too much. I wear a lot of black. I eat a lot of pizza. I really like to work out. And sure - I may send too many Snapchats and tell some bad jobs. I may not look my best without some makeup on. And I know I definitely talk too much. But you know what, if you don't like me, that's fine. Life goes on.

And most importantly, 2013 taught me to do what makes me happy - whether it's breaking somebody's heart or just taking a chance. At the end of the day, it's myself who I need to be worried about. Myself who matters to me. If you're not happy with who you are and what situation you're in, you're the only person who can change it - your boyfriend can't change it, your friends can't change it, and money can't change it. As cliche as it sounds, you have to believe in yourself and trust in God that everything is going to be okay. If you don't like yourself, you are the only one who can change that.

I've never felt happier with myself, my position in life, and my body more than I do right now. I'm sure as hell not perfect, but at least I'm happy.

In 2014, I want to be even happier. I want to smile more and go on more adventures with people I love. I want to keep working hard to feel good about my body and to feel good about my mind. I would really love to fall in love, but we'll see what lies ahead.

Cheers to 2014.

oye.

Update.... Didn't go on a date with Douchebag Doug last week. Turns out he's a dumbfuck. He called me fat. K bye.

But, I did go on a date tonight. And I did have a good time. He's friends with my cousin and he's been wanting to hang out since August. We went to dinner and had coffee afterwards and I really enjoyed my time with him.

But the reason I'm posting tonight is the fact that I feel a wall being put up. Maybe it's a good thing, but it's so unlike me... I'm normally so giddy and excited after a good date or something. But I'm not even remotely like that. Yeah, I want to hang out again and maybe things will turn out good, but I am turning so pessimistic.

All I can think of with guys is that they just don't like me or they don't want me. Some kind of factor is in the way that makes me so not girlfriend material. The way I look? Maybe I laugh too loud? I'm too short? I remind them of their ex, maybe?

I'm just going to get hurt, so why even try? Why even get excited about something that isn't going to happen?

been a while.

It's been a while, but not much has changed.

My marine and I haven't hung out (although we plan to skydive together next year...).
I haven't gone on any dates (although I scheduled one on Sunday...).
Nothing has really changed.

Let's talk about this date. It's pretty sad that I'm not even remotely excited. I'm not even smiling about it. It just feels like a waste to get excited about - which sounds really sad and emotional, but it's the truth. This guy will either turn out to be a big douchebag, mean, a cheater, or no chemistry will happen. It's just how my luck is.

Actually, come to think about it, something did happen. I went to New York and had a wild time.

Friday: Arrived in Brooklyn. Saw my friend Alex, met her roommates and neighbors. One of them, who shall remain nameless, texted her while we were out saying "it's cold and rainy, your friend should come cuddle with me." So, after a few drinks and some enabling, I went upstairs. By the way, I had a 5-minute conversation with this guy before I decided to go upstairs. After a few minutes of awkward chit chatter, he asked if I was ready for bed.

I went into his room with him. I had on black jeans and a long sweater. After being awkward and staring at his bed, I decided to make a move and took off my jeans (YOLO, right?). Right after, something happened. He gripped up my wrists, pushed me up against a wall, and got the party started. It was surprisingly... hot. We went to bed and did a whole lot of not sleeping...

Saturday: I woke up in this guy's bed... Wondering what the hell I just did. I would never just hook up with a person I barely even know, but at least I was in a safe place where somebody who I knew, knew them. (Justifiable). He even woke me up... under the covers. Hot.

I spent the day shopping and getting ready for a night in Manhattan with my friend. A friend of hers was able to get us into a club for free, with free bottle service. Beforehand, Alex and I drank upstairs with the dude I hooked up with, who was actually a really nice, down to earth guy who loves hockey. Oh, and he was Jewish. We'll call him my Jew Boo. Jew Boo found out that I, too, am a hockey fan.

Jew Boo told me I looked really pretty, which made me smile. He was sweet. Not a guy i would typically go for, but sweet and very good in bed. I wore a black dress, black tights, and high heels. My barre workouts were paying off.

While out, I drank top shelf vodka and orange juice - doubles or triples in each drink. On my night out, I had one goal - to make out with a guy with an accent. Sure enough, I found myself getting sloppy with a guy named Manuel from Spain. I even twerked on him... Good god.

By 3 am, I was checked out and ready to go home. I had been texting Jew Boo some pretty obscene things and I spent the night with him again. No regrets.

Sunday: I did pretty much nothing all day except go visit the tree at Rockefeller Center. I spent my last night in New York with Jew Boo. And this may be TMI, but we had the roughest, hottest sex I've ever had in my life. I won't go too far into details, but I will say that after we finished up, we both fell asleep right away. Which usually doesn't happen in my experience.

Regardless... nothing much has changed in life. We'll see where New Year's Eve takes us and what stirs up after this date.

bi-polar.

I may or may not be bi-polar in the heart.

I mean, some days, I'm totally fine. One minute, I'm like "you know what, I'm just fine being single. I'm going to focus on myself, and I know somebody is going to come along and sweep me off my feet." The next minute, I feel so alone and sad; where all I ask for is somebody to love me... It's a sad mindset when that comes along, because all I can think about is how happy I was for the month that I was with my Marine. How I was so close to happiness again. Especially because after being with him for a few hours on Saturday, I am only reassured that I really do like him. 

random thoughts

1. I wish LinkedIn had a dating section.
2. I wish I could just walk through Quicken Loans in Detroit, look around, and hand out 10 roses like I'm the bachelorette. Those guys dress to the nines and have career.

I guess that's it.

december.

I'm back, after quite an interesting few days. Where should I begin?

Let's start with my marine. After three weeks of small talks and no face-to-face contact, we spent the day together yesterday at the U of M football game. I won some awesome tickets and asked him to go with me - who else would I bring? It would have been weird to bring one of my girl friends, and if I asked a guy friend to go with me, they may take it the wrong way. Plus, he is a huge Michigan football fan, and this was my chance. Although we didn't even get flirty or hug goodbye, he is great company and I seriously just love spending time with him. I feel so at home with him and that I can just be myself. Yesterday after the game, we went and got some food and just indulged in conversation about all sorts of things. I wonder if he can see me glow when I'm with him...

It's funny, because I want to feel wanted and loved by somebody so badly, but refuse to date anybody that doesn't match up to him or exceed him. As dumb as it seems, I would much rather be single and focus on myself and wait for him than try to get into something else with somebody new.

Moving on, time to vent.

Last weekend, I went downtown for a birthday party and of course I ran into my ex's new girlfriend. Which, okay, I don't care that he is dating somebody else. I am not even remotely jealous. And I hate to call people out on looks because I'm not that shallow of a person, but I am most certainly not jealous of anything she's got either... Anyways, we did make eye contact and it was a little awkward for a second, but whatever. Well, later on in the night, she decided to yell "fuck you" in my ear as I was walking past her.

I feel bad for my ex. I really do. First off, I was an amazing girlfriend - I won't even dare sell myself short of that. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, offered to do everything for him, paid for dinners, worked THREE JOBS so I could buy him everything he ever wanted, ... I really could go on and on about how selfless I was in that relationship - all to get nothing in return. But not only did I give him everything the world had to offer and more, but I had my shit together. I worked my ass off in college to get a good job, I treated his family and friends with respect and got along with every single person that I crossed paths with, and I'm an overall classy girl. For him to go from a girl like me to a girl like that, who yells "F You" to somebody she doesn't even know in a bar and throws all of her business - good and bad - on Twitter... I feel bad for him. 

myself.

It's about how I feel. About how I want to see myself in the mirror. And hopefully along the way, somebody will see my determination.

As I was hanging out with guy #2, I realized I didn't have any hobbies. My life literally consisted of this schedule: work, gym, eat, sleep, repeat Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday: lay around and hopefully go to the bar. I had no real interests any more.

Until I discovered Barre Bee Fit.

It's designed just for women - to give them a dancer's body without the dance. It's meant to elongate women's muscles and tone them in a womanly way - not to buff them up like men. It's about core strength and shaping and toning your glutes, thighs, arms, back, and abs. After one class, I was hooked; even though I'm sore today and it was a really intense workout for me.

I'm embarking on their "Hot for Holiday" challenge, where from Dec. 1 through 20, you are challenged to go to 15 out of 20 days. You can win cool prizes and stuff (which, I'm not even sure what they are). I'm not trying to lose weight or turn into a crazy workout person, but I want the challenge. I want to see if I can push myself to my limits and complete something like this.

Most people I know train for 5Ks or stop eating junk food or something. I think this is just what I need at this time in my life. A change, and to actually put the focus on myself for once. Not worry about what some guy thinks about me, or if he is even thinking about me at all. This is for me.

Which, I'm proud of myself for that. For once, I don't care about some dude. Well, I do, but I'm not so "well, onto the next one" about it. The other day, I got asked on two dates by two different guys. One asked me to go to coffee. Which, I would never turn down coffee, but when I mentioned I didn't want it to be a date, he all of a sudden didn't want to go any more (when I didn't even lead him on at all). Another guy told me we should go to a Red Wings game together (via Snapchat... one of my Tinders). After I ignored it, he snapped again and said "Like, me + you = Red Wings." .. And I turned him down. This is a big deal.

As for guy #2, we haven't talked much. Fingers crossed that we'll be hanging out again soon, but if he wants it to die, I have no choice but to let it die. It's a sad situation, because he truly is a great guy. But I have to be optimistic. And now may not be my time to fall in love with a guy - maybe now is my time to fall in love with myself.

I like the sounds of that. 

thoughts. second edition.

Girls really enjoy torturing themselves with love.

Do you know how much easier breakups must have been 20 or 30 years ago? They give you the call, things are done, and that's the end of it.

Now, you break up. You check their Twitter feed. You check their Instagram. You check their Facebook. You see they're hanging out with another girl. You stalk her too. Now you're constantly checking up on both of them because that used to be you.

And even though that used to be me, I still manage to be a bitch about it. "Oh, he bought her flowers? He got them from 1800Flowers.com and ordered them an hour ago from the same-day-delivery tab because he forgot something important was happening today and wanted to make it seem like he knew all along."

It's so stupid. I am a person 1000x better ever since we broke up and I don't miss him being around. But seeing him googly-eyed over another girl bothers me. And you know what, it bothers him too. Because I know he sees me with a new guy too. 

goals.

Instead of sapping about my life today, I'm going to do something that makes me feel good. Things I want to accomplish. For me - nobody else.

2014
go skydiving
go on vacation
win an award at work
get a raise - this means WORK YOUR ASS OFF
see justin timberlake, closer than 37 rows away
find a perfect apartment, and move out

eventually
write a book
buy mike bankey a bear/elk/moose hunt
teach high schoolers marketing/PR (fuck, that means an MBA)
get an MBA

I realize the only way to make my goals attainable is to focus on them myself, and to make them a priority. Nobody except for me is going to make these things happen. It's setting priorities, budgeting properly, and working your ass off (with maybe a tiny bit of luck).

Even with an amazing man by my side, these things aren't going to come out of thin air. Well, okay, maybe we could decide to go on vacation or skydive, and maybe he'd be perfect and buy me VIP tickets to see JT. Is he going to help me get a raise or win Rookie of the Year at work? Is he going to help me write a book? No, girlfriend, that's all me.

I am a newly single girl - which means even though I have nobody by my side, it also means I have nobody taking me off track or holding me back. Although I am the kind of person who likes to have a journey with somebody, I should embrace the fact that I am an independent, smart, capable woman.

"You are an independent, smart, capable woman." 

camouflage.

This guy has seriously changed every perspective of the military for me. The ball was an eye-opening experience, especially when a WWII vet spoke to all of us about his experience.

This guy (haha, notice how nobody is named?) isn't one of those Marines who is a chef or does sonar or whatever. He's on a division shooting team - he's won medals for how well he handles and shoots rifles. He used to handle mortars (aka bombs). There are photos of him with guns bigger than me. He's a bad ass. And Marines are always the first ones shipped off to war.

As my feelings have gotten deeper and deeper for him, I took the time to face reality. "You do realize that he can get a call any time and be shipped off to some country for a year, right? You do realize that he may reenlist in a year, and if God graces you with true love, your entire life will revolve around the military?" My mom lived on base for a while with her ex-husband; my older brother was born on a base. They were all over the place. Is that a life I'm willing to have? To leave everything I've ever known to become a military wife?

Then, the really tough reality sets in. What if (God, please forbid this from ever EVER happening) something happened to him? There was a mortar accident in the desert in Nevada the other day - where he used to be; what he used to do. 4 people died. Roadside bombs happen all the time in the Middle East. People are shot and killed every day in the military. It brings tears to my eyes to think of anything ever happening to him...

Then real reality sets in; this happens every day. He is not the only Marine to worry about. He is not the only military member to worry about. There are women who go weeks without speaking to their husbands - unsure if he is even alive. Then, one day they get a phone call with them on the other line. Others get a different phone call.

Then, another really real reality came to me; I asked him about reenlisting when his time is up. He wasn't sure, and told me he still had a year to decide. "It's a love/hate thing. They put you through a lot of bullshit, but I love it. I just wish I would get deployed." It was a shock to hear, because that's everybody's worst fear - to be sent off to war, putting your life on the line. So, I asked him why he wanted that; it's terrifying. To which he replied, "I didn't join the Marines to wear some uniform, or put a sticker on my car that said I was a Marine, which a lot of people do. I joined because I wanted to be what it was all about. If you're going to join, you might as well get deployed."

Then it really sunk in. It scares me, but my love for people with a passion shadows my fear. Especially a guy like this. Selfless. Fearless. It's almost a little magical. 

hurt.

"as good as you make me feel, i want to make you feel better. you're all i ever wanted..."

That's the song we danced to on Saturday, where I felt him pull me just a little closer and hold my hand a little tighter. After this song, we left the ball, I sat on his lap on the ride home where we laughed, acted silly, and I felt his head keep falling into my chest. I felt it too; I felt the taken chance.

Until the ball was dropped.

I'm so used to being screwed over by guys who just don't give a shit. Who are just assholes. I lose a guy who was only concerned about one thing or who realized they had something else that was better than I was. And they would leave without a trace, leaving my hurt and broken.

It's a love/hate thing, but it didn't happen this way this time.

I had to bring up the question; who were we? What were we? What's next? That's when I got the truth, which is honest, sincere, and real.

"I'm not ready for a girlfriend or a relationship."

Exes suck, because they fuck up the most wonderful people. Mine fucked me up (all of mine did) and his fucked him up, too. A beautiful person turned a monster - maybe not in my eyes, and as for me, maybe not in his. But we both know the demons that lay inside of us, and only we know how to conquer them. For me, I know to conquer mine, I need to let more love in and prove them wrong. For him, he needs to know for sure he can trust himself to be his best for somebody else.

I couldn't believe it... I am so used to being blamed or felt like I did something wrong. So I asked him to tell me. What did I do? What do I need to do?

"Sam, you did everything right. The only thing that you did wrong was come into my life at the wrong time."

When somebody tells you that, how can you be angry? How can you be mad at them, or yourself? Hell, how can you even cry? I tried forcing myself to do that after I hung up the phone, and I couldn't. Not going to lie, I did in the shower the following morning.

"It's not about the guy. It's about you."

No, it is about the guy this time. A guy like that doesn't come around all the time. You don't just bump into a man like that in your local grocery store or at the bar on the weekend. No, he has the qualities women dream of. Attractive, a business man, passionate, exciting... A man that makes you feel comfortable, like you can be yourself. I even mentioned that to him.

"I watched you open up right in front of my eyes. From the moment we first hung out, I could see the hurt in your eyes. And since then, you've changed and opened up to me and I could see that in you."

His problem is that his demons and his feelings conflict with each other.

"When I'm with you, I'm fine and I'm happy. As soon as you leave me or I leave you, I hear a voice in the back of my head saying 'dude, you're not ready for this. what are you doing?'"

As far as "the chance" goes, it was amazing what he said.

"I stopped talking to you and felt like I owed you an explanation. Then we hung out at State and you told me 'if you never take a chance, you'll never know.' So, I did. I told myself to stop being a pussy and to take a chance. I don't want to hang out with other girls. I didn't want to take anybody else to the ball. So, I obviously wanted to take you; we have fun together, we get along great. But, when I was with my ex, I turned into a monster. I was a terrible person, and I don't want to turn into that person again. I'm just not ready for a relationship.

People will ask me, 'You dating that girl yet?'
'No.'
'Why? What's wrong with her? What did she do?'
'Nothing..'
'What do you mean nothing?'
'Nothing, she did everything right.'
'Well what's the problem?'
-story told-
'You're a fucking idiot.'"

We still chit chat. We even plan on hanging out on Sunday. He said he doesn't want to lose me, and I don't want to lose him either. Call me a 14-year-old girl, but he is too amazing to drop out of my life. To me, he is perfect in his own way. He's no Ken doll; he's sarcastic, he snores, he only gives me one kiss goodbye when I leave, and he occasionally hogs the bed or blanket and only gives me one pillow to sleep with. But he's so much more than an attractive guy who has his shit together. He's passionate - works 14 hour days at his job, wants to be deployed in the Marines, and aspires to work with veterans someday. He's exciting - I mean, for God's sake, he went to school to be a firefighter and he skydives in the summertime. And the best part of all, he's honest. I couldn't tell you the last time I've encountered a guy who has been honest with me the way he has. And even though we've only been seeing each other for a month, he has changed my life a little bit.

He's taught me to not care... To be an open book, a straight shooter. He told me something the first day we met and went on our first date. "I am an open book. I have nothing to lose, so what you see is what you get. If you don't like it, you can kick rocks." Which, even though my nerves would get the best of me, I felt the same. I have nothing to lose... I might as well be 100% honest and put myself out there. For a girl like me, that's life changing. Especially with the military, which I am about to go write a separate post on right now.

So, all in all, this sucks. Every night so far, I've prayed that when the time is right for him, he will come back to me. Or, at least, I hope God sends me somebody like him. Again, I sound like a teenager in love... But maybe that's because I am. I don't know.

it's funny.

I am normally a pretty calm and collected person. I can have conversations with just about anybody and I hate a dull moment.

Why is it that when I'm around him or even sending a text message to him, I am so nervous? I'm tongue tied. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I could vomit - and that's not even an exaggeration. It's so weird how somebody can have that kind of effect on me.

Somebody asked me today about him and what "we" are... Which is still unclear. If he meets my best friend this weekend, I'll say we're talking. Regardless, this person asked where he came from and how I feel about him.

Which is now where I will spill my feelings, because I need to get in touch with myself.

I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm not saying that I don't want to be, though. When I was with my ex, I got stuck in a rut of doing things the way he wanted to, which meant no spontaneity, no getting drunk and acting silly, no excitement... I was so used to never doing anything with my significant other that I never really thought anything of it. What I forgot during that time though, was that I like having fun; I like being silly, I like exploring new things, I like being spontaneous, and sometimes, I like doing things and not caring about what other people think.

And with him, I feel like myself again. I feel like I can laugh and open up. I feel like I can dance and sing and drink a warm beer in a hotel room (drunk) without worrying what anybody thinks.

It's funny how one person can make you feel sick to your stomach from too many nerves, as well as something deep enough to say "I feel like myself again." 

chance taken.

A chance was taken.

The day after telling him that "if you never take a chance, you'll never know," there I was. He came over for dinner, we hung out, and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked to his Marine Corps Birthday Ball as his date. Which drew me to the following conclusion:

If you asked to meet me a few times at MSU (where the house you're at is crawling with slutty girls wearing nearly nothing in 40 degree weather), you come over after work on a Monday to eat chicken noodle soup with me and my parents, and you ask me to go to your military ball where you are receiving a promotion, you must kind of like me. Right?

Of course, I said yes. And after a stressful run around with dresses, what shoes to wear, etc., I attended my first ever Marine Corps Birthday Ball. It was amazing, and not only did I show up with the best looking Marine in the room, but I felt so proud to be there. We had a wonderful evening of drinking, dancing, and just having a blast with his fellow Marines.

Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed - hoping that this keeps going in the right direction.

interesting.

Well. I got my call back.

Which, don't get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for somebody who can be honest with me.

He called and said he owed me an explanation and I sat there dying of anticipation, waiting to hear something like, "well, you're great but there is somebody else" or "my friends don't like you" or something where i can finally put the piece into the puzzle and move on.

But instead, it wasn't that. It was a fear of commitment; a fear of getting hurt. Which, from his past, I can absolutely respect and understand. After many "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole for that" and a clean slate, he told me that he had been working a lot and how he thought he couldn't go to MSU for the weekend. After telling him I was going to be there, he suddenly perked up and said "well, if I do wind up going, maybe we can bump into each other."

Which is definitely what happened.

After never receiving a SnapChat from him before, Saturday morning I was surprised to see not his view from the office, but drinking on a lawn in East Lansing. So, I asked him about that, and turns out he was two blocks away from where I was staying. Which turned into a "Yeah, you're really close. Come over." So, I said I would. Three hours later, after lots of tailgating, drinking, and walking around, I got a call from him asking where I was and what I was doing. So I finally decided to go over there. Where he greeted me with a beer, ready to watch some football.

Now, after drinking a total of about 9 beers (maybe 10) from 10 am to about 4:30 pm, I was tired, drunk, and ready to barf. Luckily for me, I was on a couch, with my guy, sleepy and cuddly. After laying on his chest, I asked if he was okay with that (thank goodness for liquid courage). He said yes.

After leaving his place for a while, me and a friend went back and hung out with him and his friend for a while. Things got kind of crazy at the party, so we left.

So this afternoon, I decided to send him a text.

"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"I just really don't know what to do here, so I want you to tell me what I should do. In the situation me and you are in."
"I don't know what to say."
"I really do respect what you told me the other day. But I like you, and I think you like me too..."
"I do. That's where it falls into trouble. I'm not sure what to do either."

Now, here I am today... Confused, not sure where I stand in this guy's life. If I like you, and you like me, why shouldn't we be together? Why can't we both get past the past and focus on the present? Why can't we both take a leap of faith and see where this goes?

Take a chance - you never know what may come of it.

thoughts. first edition.

It's normal to have thoughts about your terrible ex post-breakup.

It's not supposed to be easy - trust me, I am very well aware of that. But sometimes, I feel like everything would be so much easier to suck it up and settle for what I had. Which is so messed up. Settle? One should never have to "settle." One should feel lucky, blessed, and grateful that the person they wind up with chose them over anybody else. And the other person should feel the exact same about you.

Now, I would never say anything mean about my ex, but I will tell you the truth if you asked me.

And the truth is, which he did admit to me, was that he was a bad boyfriend and he didn't treat me right.

But girls are so f&#@ed up in the head that we can't help but hold on to the guys that have treated us bad. Even if it is just a small piece of them.

what happened?

Ask a guy what they want in a girl. They say:

• She's gotta be funny!
• Good with kids
• Somebody who can hold her own
• Smart
• Gets along with my friends and family
• Somebody who's nice
• Somebody who will watch football with me
• Hopefully she's got a nice ass or nice boobs - 1 out of the 2 works
• Pretty smile
• Knows how to have fun
• And a bunch of other things

75% of the time, what they really go for is:

• A really, honestly, fucking, just not a good person
• No real direction in life
• I'm content with working a minimum wage, part-time job for the rest of my life.
• A cheater
• Somebody who has both a nice ass and nice boobs, but everybody has seen both of these things
• All of their friends hate her
• Oh, I'm sorry, not hate... "tolerate"
• Somebody who bothers the crap out of him while he's just trying to watch the game or chill with his buds 

When somebody figures out why this happens, let me know and I'll refer you for a Nobel Prize.

heartbreaks.

It's been a really, really tough transition these past couple of months. First starting with one boy.

Which, by the way, I will never truly understand the thought process of a man.

I went out one night with friends when I got a message on Twitter from a guy saying something along the lines of "I think you're so beautiful and you seem really cool and we should hang out sometime" and all that. To which I replied, "That's so nice of you to say, but I'm not really looking to date or anything."

Which, naturally, he "wasn't looking to date" but "just wanted to hang out." Okay, sure. We have mutual friends. YOLO, right?

Well of course, that turned into us hanging out for a few weeks, him inviting me to his military ball, and me developing feelings (which I am really bad at saying "no" to). To, in which, one day, I get this dreaded text:

"Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but I really need to work on myself before I can be with anybody else right now. You've been so good to me and I like you a lot but I just need to do me for a while."

Which:
a) sucks dick.
b) yeah, I have been good to you. I offer to order you lunch when you forget it, cook you dinner, and encourage you to go hang out with your friends.
c) Hmph. You like me a lot but don't want anything to do with me anymore?

And because I am such an idiot, I went to his work on Saturday night at 1 am, stayed till 4 am, texted him until 8 am, and went to see him at 10 am when he got home (with a bagel, because he loves those). To, in which, he hasn't spoken to me since. He said we'd hang out the following weekend. Still hasn't called.

So, instead, that Sunday, I got an offer to go on a date with a different guy. And me, with my YOLO attitude, said why the hell not. Now, onto guy #2.

Now before I move onto guy #2, I should say this. Guy #1 had no drive. No goals. When I asked myself, "Would you marry this man?" I would say "uhhhhhh maybe."

Guy #2. Ask me the same question. I'd say "yes. Tomorrow."

He's a marine, a firefighter, a businessman, a skydiver, and Italian. And for some reason, he wanted to go on a date with me.

Sunday: We went to the cider mill. He came and picked me up (say WHAT - chivalry isn't dead?) and shook my dad's hand. I hate living with my parents. We sat at the mill for a couple of hours and talked about everything. Family, nephews, exes and how big of idiots each of them are... Then we went to Plymouth and had dinner. No kiss, no hug goodbye... But great.

Tuesday: We met for dinner in Dearborn after a long day at the office for the both of us. He walked me to my car afterwards, and lucky me got three goodbye kisses. I was on cloud nine.

Friday: We went to dinner again and rented a RedBox to watch at his place. We wound up snuggling on the couch that lead to me telling him I liked him. He asked me to stay the night with him, so I did. (Can you see how much I enjoyed this guy?) I woke up the following morning with a feeling I had not had in nearly five months - waking up next to somebody. The feeling is indescribable.

Saturday: I picked him up from a party at 3 am. I probably shouldn't have, but I did anyways. Because it was so late, he asked me to stay with him again. So, I did.

Sunday: He took me to a barbeque that his big group of friends were having. Introduce me to your friends? Wow, you must like me too.

Tuesday: He came over for dinner and to carve pumpkins with me. Mind you, I have not been to a cider mill or carved pumpkins or done any kind of cute Halloween stuff like that in at least 8 years. This was amazing.

Wednesday: I was in his area and he had literally no food in his fridge. Me being the nicest, selfless person on the planet, I offered to bring him food. So I did. He was watching Wreck It Ralph and offered me a pair of sweatpants and a place next to him on the couch. I accepted.

Friday: Here's the doozy. After asking if I wanted to go a Halloween party with him (in which I already went out and bought all of the stuff for a costume), I went home from work, took a nap, and called him at 8. I hadn't talked to him all day - no morning text or anything about him complaining about how it's Friday and how he just wants to go home (like normal). At 8, he answered his phone and told me he would let me know about the party and would call me back. At 9, I still didn't hear anything, so I called him back. No answer.

It's Sunday. Still haven't talked to him. His phone works because he has Instagrammed photos of the two Halloween parties he went to over the weekend.

As you can imagine, I'm a little heartbroken. And in the words of a dear friend of mine, it's not because I'm being a baby and am sad about a guy not liking me.

"It's not about the boy. It's about you."

Which it is. It's about me. And my feelings. I have so much to offer and am so good to everybody... And what I get in return is somebody literally just dropping me like I never happened to them.

The exact same thing happened with my ex. Except it was more about him, too. But the fact that he could go behind my back, tell another girl he loved her and wanted to be with her, and also flirt with other girls,... How could you just drop my out of your mind and your conscience and forget about me, when I'm so good to you?

Every girl just wants to feel important. Like they belong to somebody and that somebody is thinking of them. Every girl just wants to feel loved.

welcome.

I've been wanting to start this blog for a while now. Not really meant for anybody to truly read, but more of an outlet for me to say what's on my mind during this really big transition for me.

I'm Sam. I'm newly single.

Four years. FOUR. YEARS. in a relationship. Most people my age would say, "Well. Four years in a relationship. Stuck through college together. You're both 22 with kick ass jobs and great paths. Time to get engaged and live happily ever after."

But it just wasn't that easy... On paper and in theory, I had a great match. In reality, we weren't meant for each other. We didn't sync well. Oh, and there's the cheating thing. Not just once, but a few times of being stabbed in the heart by the person you trusted the most. But we won't go into that.

I've been single for 4 1/2 months now. Took me about 3 to really want to get back on the horse.

But before I wanted to get back into meeting new guys, I was in a rut of never ever wanting to date again. Somebody even asked me one night if I had anybody new in my life. I told them no. They replied, "well, what about girls?" Now that was bizarre. I haven't lost all hope just yet. ;)

For now, this will be my spot for thoughts. Rants. Crying sessions. Or, who knows, maybe some giddiness.

Maybe on this road, somebody fantastic will come along.