resolutions.

It's December 31st, and everybody is telling the internet that making New Year's Resolutions are so cliche and stupid.

But once a new year is about to begin, I always wonder what's going to happen next. Who will get married? Who will get pregnant? Whose lives will change? What's in store for me?

Reflecting on 2013, I never thought I'd be in the situation I'm in now. Last NYE, I was ice skating downtown with the guy who would be my fiancé this year. I never thought that six months later, I'd end it all and change my life. I never thought I'd get a job with a company I love, be on the news, be single, have the time of my life, have the first birthday since I was 18 where I didn't cry, consort to online dating, meet an amazing guy and feel heartbreak all over again, go to a military ball, make a ton of new friends, and ring in 2014 a single girl.

I may complain a lot, and I may be a little pessimistic when it comes to my love life, but the second half of 2013 has taught me so much.

2013 taught me to not worry so much - I'm always been the kind to worry about what other people think and what the outcome will be of my decisions. Stop thinking about it and live in the now every now and then.

2013 taught me to just be myself, because if somebody doesn't like who I am, there just isn't anything I can do about it. Yeah, I laugh too much. I wear a lot of black. I eat a lot of pizza. I really like to work out. And sure - I may send too many Snapchats and tell some bad jobs. I may not look my best without some makeup on. And I know I definitely talk too much. But you know what, if you don't like me, that's fine. Life goes on.

And most importantly, 2013 taught me to do what makes me happy - whether it's breaking somebody's heart or just taking a chance. At the end of the day, it's myself who I need to be worried about. Myself who matters to me. If you're not happy with who you are and what situation you're in, you're the only person who can change it - your boyfriend can't change it, your friends can't change it, and money can't change it. As cliche as it sounds, you have to believe in yourself and trust in God that everything is going to be okay. If you don't like yourself, you are the only one who can change that.

I've never felt happier with myself, my position in life, and my body more than I do right now. I'm sure as hell not perfect, but at least I'm happy.

In 2014, I want to be even happier. I want to smile more and go on more adventures with people I love. I want to keep working hard to feel good about my body and to feel good about my mind. I would really love to fall in love, but we'll see what lies ahead.

Cheers to 2014.

oye.

Update.... Didn't go on a date with Douchebag Doug last week. Turns out he's a dumbfuck. He called me fat. K bye.

But, I did go on a date tonight. And I did have a good time. He's friends with my cousin and he's been wanting to hang out since August. We went to dinner and had coffee afterwards and I really enjoyed my time with him.

But the reason I'm posting tonight is the fact that I feel a wall being put up. Maybe it's a good thing, but it's so unlike me... I'm normally so giddy and excited after a good date or something. But I'm not even remotely like that. Yeah, I want to hang out again and maybe things will turn out good, but I am turning so pessimistic.

All I can think of with guys is that they just don't like me or they don't want me. Some kind of factor is in the way that makes me so not girlfriend material. The way I look? Maybe I laugh too loud? I'm too short? I remind them of their ex, maybe?

I'm just going to get hurt, so why even try? Why even get excited about something that isn't going to happen?

been a while.

It's been a while, but not much has changed.

My marine and I haven't hung out (although we plan to skydive together next year...).
I haven't gone on any dates (although I scheduled one on Sunday...).
Nothing has really changed.

Let's talk about this date. It's pretty sad that I'm not even remotely excited. I'm not even smiling about it. It just feels like a waste to get excited about - which sounds really sad and emotional, but it's the truth. This guy will either turn out to be a big douchebag, mean, a cheater, or no chemistry will happen. It's just how my luck is.

Actually, come to think about it, something did happen. I went to New York and had a wild time.

Friday: Arrived in Brooklyn. Saw my friend Alex, met her roommates and neighbors. One of them, who shall remain nameless, texted her while we were out saying "it's cold and rainy, your friend should come cuddle with me." So, after a few drinks and some enabling, I went upstairs. By the way, I had a 5-minute conversation with this guy before I decided to go upstairs. After a few minutes of awkward chit chatter, he asked if I was ready for bed.

I went into his room with him. I had on black jeans and a long sweater. After being awkward and staring at his bed, I decided to make a move and took off my jeans (YOLO, right?). Right after, something happened. He gripped up my wrists, pushed me up against a wall, and got the party started. It was surprisingly... hot. We went to bed and did a whole lot of not sleeping...

Saturday: I woke up in this guy's bed... Wondering what the hell I just did. I would never just hook up with a person I barely even know, but at least I was in a safe place where somebody who I knew, knew them. (Justifiable). He even woke me up... under the covers. Hot.

I spent the day shopping and getting ready for a night in Manhattan with my friend. A friend of hers was able to get us into a club for free, with free bottle service. Beforehand, Alex and I drank upstairs with the dude I hooked up with, who was actually a really nice, down to earth guy who loves hockey. Oh, and he was Jewish. We'll call him my Jew Boo. Jew Boo found out that I, too, am a hockey fan.

Jew Boo told me I looked really pretty, which made me smile. He was sweet. Not a guy i would typically go for, but sweet and very good in bed. I wore a black dress, black tights, and high heels. My barre workouts were paying off.

While out, I drank top shelf vodka and orange juice - doubles or triples in each drink. On my night out, I had one goal - to make out with a guy with an accent. Sure enough, I found myself getting sloppy with a guy named Manuel from Spain. I even twerked on him... Good god.

By 3 am, I was checked out and ready to go home. I had been texting Jew Boo some pretty obscene things and I spent the night with him again. No regrets.

Sunday: I did pretty much nothing all day except go visit the tree at Rockefeller Center. I spent my last night in New York with Jew Boo. And this may be TMI, but we had the roughest, hottest sex I've ever had in my life. I won't go too far into details, but I will say that after we finished up, we both fell asleep right away. Which usually doesn't happen in my experience.

Regardless... nothing much has changed in life. We'll see where New Year's Eve takes us and what stirs up after this date.

bi-polar.

I may or may not be bi-polar in the heart.

I mean, some days, I'm totally fine. One minute, I'm like "you know what, I'm just fine being single. I'm going to focus on myself, and I know somebody is going to come along and sweep me off my feet." The next minute, I feel so alone and sad; where all I ask for is somebody to love me... It's a sad mindset when that comes along, because all I can think about is how happy I was for the month that I was with my Marine. How I was so close to happiness again. Especially because after being with him for a few hours on Saturday, I am only reassured that I really do like him. 

random thoughts

1. I wish LinkedIn had a dating section.
2. I wish I could just walk through Quicken Loans in Detroit, look around, and hand out 10 roses like I'm the bachelorette. Those guys dress to the nines and have career.

I guess that's it.

december.

I'm back, after quite an interesting few days. Where should I begin?

Let's start with my marine. After three weeks of small talks and no face-to-face contact, we spent the day together yesterday at the U of M football game. I won some awesome tickets and asked him to go with me - who else would I bring? It would have been weird to bring one of my girl friends, and if I asked a guy friend to go with me, they may take it the wrong way. Plus, he is a huge Michigan football fan, and this was my chance. Although we didn't even get flirty or hug goodbye, he is great company and I seriously just love spending time with him. I feel so at home with him and that I can just be myself. Yesterday after the game, we went and got some food and just indulged in conversation about all sorts of things. I wonder if he can see me glow when I'm with him...

It's funny, because I want to feel wanted and loved by somebody so badly, but refuse to date anybody that doesn't match up to him or exceed him. As dumb as it seems, I would much rather be single and focus on myself and wait for him than try to get into something else with somebody new.

Moving on, time to vent.

Last weekend, I went downtown for a birthday party and of course I ran into my ex's new girlfriend. Which, okay, I don't care that he is dating somebody else. I am not even remotely jealous. And I hate to call people out on looks because I'm not that shallow of a person, but I am most certainly not jealous of anything she's got either... Anyways, we did make eye contact and it was a little awkward for a second, but whatever. Well, later on in the night, she decided to yell "fuck you" in my ear as I was walking past her.

I feel bad for my ex. I really do. First off, I was an amazing girlfriend - I won't even dare sell myself short of that. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, offered to do everything for him, paid for dinners, worked THREE JOBS so I could buy him everything he ever wanted, ... I really could go on and on about how selfless I was in that relationship - all to get nothing in return. But not only did I give him everything the world had to offer and more, but I had my shit together. I worked my ass off in college to get a good job, I treated his family and friends with respect and got along with every single person that I crossed paths with, and I'm an overall classy girl. For him to go from a girl like me to a girl like that, who yells "F You" to somebody she doesn't even know in a bar and throws all of her business - good and bad - on Twitter... I feel bad for him. 

myself.

It's about how I feel. About how I want to see myself in the mirror. And hopefully along the way, somebody will see my determination.

As I was hanging out with guy #2, I realized I didn't have any hobbies. My life literally consisted of this schedule: work, gym, eat, sleep, repeat Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday: lay around and hopefully go to the bar. I had no real interests any more.

Until I discovered Barre Bee Fit.

It's designed just for women - to give them a dancer's body without the dance. It's meant to elongate women's muscles and tone them in a womanly way - not to buff them up like men. It's about core strength and shaping and toning your glutes, thighs, arms, back, and abs. After one class, I was hooked; even though I'm sore today and it was a really intense workout for me.

I'm embarking on their "Hot for Holiday" challenge, where from Dec. 1 through 20, you are challenged to go to 15 out of 20 days. You can win cool prizes and stuff (which, I'm not even sure what they are). I'm not trying to lose weight or turn into a crazy workout person, but I want the challenge. I want to see if I can push myself to my limits and complete something like this.

Most people I know train for 5Ks or stop eating junk food or something. I think this is just what I need at this time in my life. A change, and to actually put the focus on myself for once. Not worry about what some guy thinks about me, or if he is even thinking about me at all. This is for me.

Which, I'm proud of myself for that. For once, I don't care about some dude. Well, I do, but I'm not so "well, onto the next one" about it. The other day, I got asked on two dates by two different guys. One asked me to go to coffee. Which, I would never turn down coffee, but when I mentioned I didn't want it to be a date, he all of a sudden didn't want to go any more (when I didn't even lead him on at all). Another guy told me we should go to a Red Wings game together (via Snapchat... one of my Tinders). After I ignored it, he snapped again and said "Like, me + you = Red Wings." .. And I turned him down. This is a big deal.

As for guy #2, we haven't talked much. Fingers crossed that we'll be hanging out again soon, but if he wants it to die, I have no choice but to let it die. It's a sad situation, because he truly is a great guy. But I have to be optimistic. And now may not be my time to fall in love with a guy - maybe now is my time to fall in love with myself.

I like the sounds of that.