thoughts. second edition.

Girls really enjoy torturing themselves with love.

Do you know how much easier breakups must have been 20 or 30 years ago? They give you the call, things are done, and that's the end of it.

Now, you break up. You check their Twitter feed. You check their Instagram. You check their Facebook. You see they're hanging out with another girl. You stalk her too. Now you're constantly checking up on both of them because that used to be you.

And even though that used to be me, I still manage to be a bitch about it. "Oh, he bought her flowers? He got them from 1800Flowers.com and ordered them an hour ago from the same-day-delivery tab because he forgot something important was happening today and wanted to make it seem like he knew all along."

It's so stupid. I am a person 1000x better ever since we broke up and I don't miss him being around. But seeing him googly-eyed over another girl bothers me. And you know what, it bothers him too. Because I know he sees me with a new guy too. 

goals.

Instead of sapping about my life today, I'm going to do something that makes me feel good. Things I want to accomplish. For me - nobody else.

2014
go skydiving
go on vacation
win an award at work
get a raise - this means WORK YOUR ASS OFF
see justin timberlake, closer than 37 rows away
find a perfect apartment, and move out

eventually
write a book
buy mike bankey a bear/elk/moose hunt
teach high schoolers marketing/PR (fuck, that means an MBA)
get an MBA

I realize the only way to make my goals attainable is to focus on them myself, and to make them a priority. Nobody except for me is going to make these things happen. It's setting priorities, budgeting properly, and working your ass off (with maybe a tiny bit of luck).

Even with an amazing man by my side, these things aren't going to come out of thin air. Well, okay, maybe we could decide to go on vacation or skydive, and maybe he'd be perfect and buy me VIP tickets to see JT. Is he going to help me get a raise or win Rookie of the Year at work? Is he going to help me write a book? No, girlfriend, that's all me.

I am a newly single girl - which means even though I have nobody by my side, it also means I have nobody taking me off track or holding me back. Although I am the kind of person who likes to have a journey with somebody, I should embrace the fact that I am an independent, smart, capable woman.

"You are an independent, smart, capable woman." 

camouflage.

This guy has seriously changed every perspective of the military for me. The ball was an eye-opening experience, especially when a WWII vet spoke to all of us about his experience.

This guy (haha, notice how nobody is named?) isn't one of those Marines who is a chef or does sonar or whatever. He's on a division shooting team - he's won medals for how well he handles and shoots rifles. He used to handle mortars (aka bombs). There are photos of him with guns bigger than me. He's a bad ass. And Marines are always the first ones shipped off to war.

As my feelings have gotten deeper and deeper for him, I took the time to face reality. "You do realize that he can get a call any time and be shipped off to some country for a year, right? You do realize that he may reenlist in a year, and if God graces you with true love, your entire life will revolve around the military?" My mom lived on base for a while with her ex-husband; my older brother was born on a base. They were all over the place. Is that a life I'm willing to have? To leave everything I've ever known to become a military wife?

Then, the really tough reality sets in. What if (God, please forbid this from ever EVER happening) something happened to him? There was a mortar accident in the desert in Nevada the other day - where he used to be; what he used to do. 4 people died. Roadside bombs happen all the time in the Middle East. People are shot and killed every day in the military. It brings tears to my eyes to think of anything ever happening to him...

Then real reality sets in; this happens every day. He is not the only Marine to worry about. He is not the only military member to worry about. There are women who go weeks without speaking to their husbands - unsure if he is even alive. Then, one day they get a phone call with them on the other line. Others get a different phone call.

Then, another really real reality came to me; I asked him about reenlisting when his time is up. He wasn't sure, and told me he still had a year to decide. "It's a love/hate thing. They put you through a lot of bullshit, but I love it. I just wish I would get deployed." It was a shock to hear, because that's everybody's worst fear - to be sent off to war, putting your life on the line. So, I asked him why he wanted that; it's terrifying. To which he replied, "I didn't join the Marines to wear some uniform, or put a sticker on my car that said I was a Marine, which a lot of people do. I joined because I wanted to be what it was all about. If you're going to join, you might as well get deployed."

Then it really sunk in. It scares me, but my love for people with a passion shadows my fear. Especially a guy like this. Selfless. Fearless. It's almost a little magical. 

hurt.

"as good as you make me feel, i want to make you feel better. you're all i ever wanted..."

That's the song we danced to on Saturday, where I felt him pull me just a little closer and hold my hand a little tighter. After this song, we left the ball, I sat on his lap on the ride home where we laughed, acted silly, and I felt his head keep falling into my chest. I felt it too; I felt the taken chance.

Until the ball was dropped.

I'm so used to being screwed over by guys who just don't give a shit. Who are just assholes. I lose a guy who was only concerned about one thing or who realized they had something else that was better than I was. And they would leave without a trace, leaving my hurt and broken.

It's a love/hate thing, but it didn't happen this way this time.

I had to bring up the question; who were we? What were we? What's next? That's when I got the truth, which is honest, sincere, and real.

"I'm not ready for a girlfriend or a relationship."

Exes suck, because they fuck up the most wonderful people. Mine fucked me up (all of mine did) and his fucked him up, too. A beautiful person turned a monster - maybe not in my eyes, and as for me, maybe not in his. But we both know the demons that lay inside of us, and only we know how to conquer them. For me, I know to conquer mine, I need to let more love in and prove them wrong. For him, he needs to know for sure he can trust himself to be his best for somebody else.

I couldn't believe it... I am so used to being blamed or felt like I did something wrong. So I asked him to tell me. What did I do? What do I need to do?

"Sam, you did everything right. The only thing that you did wrong was come into my life at the wrong time."

When somebody tells you that, how can you be angry? How can you be mad at them, or yourself? Hell, how can you even cry? I tried forcing myself to do that after I hung up the phone, and I couldn't. Not going to lie, I did in the shower the following morning.

"It's not about the guy. It's about you."

No, it is about the guy this time. A guy like that doesn't come around all the time. You don't just bump into a man like that in your local grocery store or at the bar on the weekend. No, he has the qualities women dream of. Attractive, a business man, passionate, exciting... A man that makes you feel comfortable, like you can be yourself. I even mentioned that to him.

"I watched you open up right in front of my eyes. From the moment we first hung out, I could see the hurt in your eyes. And since then, you've changed and opened up to me and I could see that in you."

His problem is that his demons and his feelings conflict with each other.

"When I'm with you, I'm fine and I'm happy. As soon as you leave me or I leave you, I hear a voice in the back of my head saying 'dude, you're not ready for this. what are you doing?'"

As far as "the chance" goes, it was amazing what he said.

"I stopped talking to you and felt like I owed you an explanation. Then we hung out at State and you told me 'if you never take a chance, you'll never know.' So, I did. I told myself to stop being a pussy and to take a chance. I don't want to hang out with other girls. I didn't want to take anybody else to the ball. So, I obviously wanted to take you; we have fun together, we get along great. But, when I was with my ex, I turned into a monster. I was a terrible person, and I don't want to turn into that person again. I'm just not ready for a relationship.

People will ask me, 'You dating that girl yet?'
'No.'
'Why? What's wrong with her? What did she do?'
'Nothing..'
'What do you mean nothing?'
'Nothing, she did everything right.'
'Well what's the problem?'
-story told-
'You're a fucking idiot.'"

We still chit chat. We even plan on hanging out on Sunday. He said he doesn't want to lose me, and I don't want to lose him either. Call me a 14-year-old girl, but he is too amazing to drop out of my life. To me, he is perfect in his own way. He's no Ken doll; he's sarcastic, he snores, he only gives me one kiss goodbye when I leave, and he occasionally hogs the bed or blanket and only gives me one pillow to sleep with. But he's so much more than an attractive guy who has his shit together. He's passionate - works 14 hour days at his job, wants to be deployed in the Marines, and aspires to work with veterans someday. He's exciting - I mean, for God's sake, he went to school to be a firefighter and he skydives in the summertime. And the best part of all, he's honest. I couldn't tell you the last time I've encountered a guy who has been honest with me the way he has. And even though we've only been seeing each other for a month, he has changed my life a little bit.

He's taught me to not care... To be an open book, a straight shooter. He told me something the first day we met and went on our first date. "I am an open book. I have nothing to lose, so what you see is what you get. If you don't like it, you can kick rocks." Which, even though my nerves would get the best of me, I felt the same. I have nothing to lose... I might as well be 100% honest and put myself out there. For a girl like me, that's life changing. Especially with the military, which I am about to go write a separate post on right now.

So, all in all, this sucks. Every night so far, I've prayed that when the time is right for him, he will come back to me. Or, at least, I hope God sends me somebody like him. Again, I sound like a teenager in love... But maybe that's because I am. I don't know.

it's funny.

I am normally a pretty calm and collected person. I can have conversations with just about anybody and I hate a dull moment.

Why is it that when I'm around him or even sending a text message to him, I am so nervous? I'm tongue tied. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I could vomit - and that's not even an exaggeration. It's so weird how somebody can have that kind of effect on me.

Somebody asked me today about him and what "we" are... Which is still unclear. If he meets my best friend this weekend, I'll say we're talking. Regardless, this person asked where he came from and how I feel about him.

Which is now where I will spill my feelings, because I need to get in touch with myself.

I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm not saying that I don't want to be, though. When I was with my ex, I got stuck in a rut of doing things the way he wanted to, which meant no spontaneity, no getting drunk and acting silly, no excitement... I was so used to never doing anything with my significant other that I never really thought anything of it. What I forgot during that time though, was that I like having fun; I like being silly, I like exploring new things, I like being spontaneous, and sometimes, I like doing things and not caring about what other people think.

And with him, I feel like myself again. I feel like I can laugh and open up. I feel like I can dance and sing and drink a warm beer in a hotel room (drunk) without worrying what anybody thinks.

It's funny how one person can make you feel sick to your stomach from too many nerves, as well as something deep enough to say "I feel like myself again." 

chance taken.

A chance was taken.

The day after telling him that "if you never take a chance, you'll never know," there I was. He came over for dinner, we hung out, and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked to his Marine Corps Birthday Ball as his date. Which drew me to the following conclusion:

If you asked to meet me a few times at MSU (where the house you're at is crawling with slutty girls wearing nearly nothing in 40 degree weather), you come over after work on a Monday to eat chicken noodle soup with me and my parents, and you ask me to go to your military ball where you are receiving a promotion, you must kind of like me. Right?

Of course, I said yes. And after a stressful run around with dresses, what shoes to wear, etc., I attended my first ever Marine Corps Birthday Ball. It was amazing, and not only did I show up with the best looking Marine in the room, but I felt so proud to be there. We had a wonderful evening of drinking, dancing, and just having a blast with his fellow Marines.

Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed - hoping that this keeps going in the right direction.

interesting.

Well. I got my call back.

Which, don't get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for somebody who can be honest with me.

He called and said he owed me an explanation and I sat there dying of anticipation, waiting to hear something like, "well, you're great but there is somebody else" or "my friends don't like you" or something where i can finally put the piece into the puzzle and move on.

But instead, it wasn't that. It was a fear of commitment; a fear of getting hurt. Which, from his past, I can absolutely respect and understand. After many "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole for that" and a clean slate, he told me that he had been working a lot and how he thought he couldn't go to MSU for the weekend. After telling him I was going to be there, he suddenly perked up and said "well, if I do wind up going, maybe we can bump into each other."

Which is definitely what happened.

After never receiving a SnapChat from him before, Saturday morning I was surprised to see not his view from the office, but drinking on a lawn in East Lansing. So, I asked him about that, and turns out he was two blocks away from where I was staying. Which turned into a "Yeah, you're really close. Come over." So, I said I would. Three hours later, after lots of tailgating, drinking, and walking around, I got a call from him asking where I was and what I was doing. So I finally decided to go over there. Where he greeted me with a beer, ready to watch some football.

Now, after drinking a total of about 9 beers (maybe 10) from 10 am to about 4:30 pm, I was tired, drunk, and ready to barf. Luckily for me, I was on a couch, with my guy, sleepy and cuddly. After laying on his chest, I asked if he was okay with that (thank goodness for liquid courage). He said yes.

After leaving his place for a while, me and a friend went back and hung out with him and his friend for a while. Things got kind of crazy at the party, so we left.

So this afternoon, I decided to send him a text.

"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"I just really don't know what to do here, so I want you to tell me what I should do. In the situation me and you are in."
"I don't know what to say."
"I really do respect what you told me the other day. But I like you, and I think you like me too..."
"I do. That's where it falls into trouble. I'm not sure what to do either."

Now, here I am today... Confused, not sure where I stand in this guy's life. If I like you, and you like me, why shouldn't we be together? Why can't we both get past the past and focus on the present? Why can't we both take a leap of faith and see where this goes?

Take a chance - you never know what may come of it.